So we've all heard the statement, "Nothing is as constant as change." I find it's incredible how one moment, one conversation can change everything. Like the moment you first realize that the baby in your arms is truly your child. Or someone says something that changes your heart forever.
Sometimes I find myself almost breathless with how much I have changed in the past 6 months. Most of it is good change, but I still find it emotionally exhausting. I have only been thinking few hours ahead or behind me for 6 months. Its like I've been hiking looking down at my feet, only to look around me long after I began and wonder where I am. I know I'm in a good place, my boys make me so happy. But I simply cannot be the same person. I'm always rushing and planning things literally down the ounce and minute, trying to restore some sanity to my life. But I think I'm chasing a train that left a long time ago. The train of sanity, tranquility, meditation and perspective.
I need a new version of me to keep up with this life of mine. But I don't know what it is yet.... A big piece of that will be to prioritize. But sometimes I find myself using "priorities" as an excuse for why the laundry isn't done or the kitchen is a disaster. I thought I could do more. I thought I could be more.
Perhaps I'm lazy. Perhaps I simply expect too much. I know I need a change, I need TO change. If only I could see the forest rather than the trees. Don't most moms have some sort of a rhythm by now??? This makes no sense, I realize that. But I just had to vent to people I trust. I'll keep you posted on my progress :)
I don't know if we will ever find a rythm of being a mom! I sure haven't yet. It seems the balance is unattainable of a clean home, loved children, a happy husband, and a sane me! Just try to take it one day at a time and look for the beauty in each day. Try to find the beauty in the trees instead of wanting an aerial view :) I think the change in you will come, but it won't happen over night, or even over the course of a year. It will come just from you doing your best each day, and letting everything else go. Hang in there, Em! Some day you will find a sweet reward in those boys, and maybe then you will be able to see the forest.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sar, I just get overwhelmed sometimes. Twins are hard! Their smiles and sweet sleeping faces make it all worth it. There's no question of the craziness being worth it! It just takes a toll being faced with your inadequacies every second of every day. That last sentence makes me realize I need to be closer to my Savior. And I'll try to embrace the moments more completely. Thanks! Love you!
ReplyDeleteI think we have ALL had this struggle--you just put it into words so well! I think it has helped me to learn more about the "new version of ourselves" that you talked about. This new version of me is faced with more challenges against my sanity and spirituality. But the fact that we are learning to balance and overcome them just transforms us into one whose character is deeper, stronger, and of MUCH more substance. Let us keep trying to tackle the challenge!
ReplyDeleteEm, you are anything but lazy, you have two little boys and one big boy that won't allow you to be!
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree w/ both of Sar's and Mandy's comments. As for sanity and self tranquility, I am a firm believer in the seasons of life. Before you were a mommy you mastered some pretty amazing abilities--your ability to connect with and influence others, your ability to be still long enough to be in tune with the Spirit, and your ability to stay on top of things in a professional role just to name a few--and you used those abilities well during that time in your life. But so far from what I've gathered, the season of a young mother is going to be unique and different from any other--it's frantic, disorganized, unplanned, but full of so much love. You're still the same person, but your other abilities may seem temporarily dormant as you develop new dimensions of patience, diligence and the ability to love unconditionally. And considering you have to develop these qualities double-time, you are one amazing woman on her way to becoming a saint! I look up to you so much.