Mom blues? Prego blues? ...or just plain blues.

We all know that pregnancy makes you a little emotional. (HA! Understatement of the CENTURY in my case.) Last night I was exhausted. I had spent all day yesterday on my feet--the same feet who have been really struggling to hold the extra weight of my gigantic ankles. My back and hips were barely mobile...I felt like I had just been hit by a truck!

Anyhoo, in the midst of such incredible exhaustion, I couldn't even sleep. Go figure. When I realized I hadn't even prayed yet, I immediately got to my knees. I started praying and I just felt so...blaa. As I continued on, I was frustrated that I couldn't get a different feeling. Tears came because I knew that it was ME that was keeping that wall up between me and the wonderful warmth of the Spirit. I laid back down and cried a little longer. I just felt BLUE! And I couldn't even begin to figure out why.

Just then, Shelby woke up crying. I went in to find her coughing and grabbing at her throat as she squeaked and croaked: "Owie, Mommy, owie." I gave her some Tylenol and poured some juice in a sippy, and rocked her until she calmed down. I ran my fingers across her forehead as she drifed back into sleep. And before I even realized it, I felt better. I felt warm. I felt the Spirit. I laid her back down, and she said with a lisp through her binkie, "Kisses?" I kissed her head and she closed her eyes with a smile.

I went back to bed and prayed again, this time with the Spirit so strong. I tried to stay awake long enough to hear the meaning of what just happened. Something about serve serve serve...and you'll forget your sorrows. And then I was asleep.

I think I learn this lesson over and over. And over. We are healed through our service.

As moms, I know we pretty much serve all day long, mostly without a thanks...or ANY type of acknowledgment, for that matter. And it's doable most of the time--it's part of the job! And NOT needing to see ALL the fruits of our labor is part of becoming like Christ, right?

But then...Heavenly Father also knows what we need when we really need it. And I'm so glad that sometimes He allows us to see the full result of our efforts. When this happens, it's like tossing in a quarter in getting back $100. Last night I was able to see what I meant to that little munchkin, and that I made her whole world "all better". And in that process, I had COMPLETELY forgotten my own heartache.

So was it the mom blues, prego blues, or just plain blues? Who cares. What got me into that funk is unknown, but what got me out was focusing on someone else. How soon before the next time I need to re-learn this, I wonder?

Night Terrors?

Well, our little one has had some troubles sleeping lately. She goes down just fine, but around 1 or 2am she wakes screaming. When she was younger we could just leave her and she'd fall back asleep within 5 minutes. That approach is just not working this time around--she seems to escalate the longer she is left alone. After 30+ min, and no one sleeping, I tried to comfort her but this little girl just wouldn't be comforted - if I leave her in the crib and sing to her she cries, If I pick her up she thrashes around, if I let her down on the ground, she screams. I finally relented to giving her a bottle and some Tylenol - a surefire way to get this one to sleep. She downed the bottle, but as soon as she was done (right after I got all cozy in bed) she started right back up again. She had no fever, her room was plenty warm, and her bum freshly changed. I had the thought of Will giving her a blessing, so I brought her in our room. She usually loves being on our bed, but she was still inconsolable. I held her close and hummed a song and she finally calmed down a bit, but every time he placed his hands on her head she started thrashing around again. Unfortunately a blessing just didn't happen, I told him to go back to sleep and I took her in her room to try and rock her. She wouldn't have it. Finally I just laid her down in her crib and started singing an Elmo song she loves. This caught her attention, and eventually after an hour of tickling and singing lullabies she had calmed down enough to fall asleep. After I was sure she had fallen asleep, she started "talking". "Oh great," I thought, "she's wide awake now and wants to play." But upon closer examination, she was still fast asleep. She made a few humming sounds, rolled around, and then silent once more. I just sat beside her crib humming until I fell asleep too. What a crazy (awful) experience! I admit I was happy to finally be able to calm her down, but I hate how long she resisted comfort!

This morning it occurred to me, I wonder if she was having a night terrror? I did a little research online this morning, and she was showing a lot of the symptoms - seeming to be wide awake but clearly disoriented and confused and would not be comforted.

From BabyCenter: Trying to soothe your child will only extend and intensify the sleep terror — even saying his name can make him more upset. Likewise, don't try to vigorously awaken him. He may think you are attacking him. Instead, just let the night terror run its course, and stand nearby to make sure your toddler doesn't hurt himself."

Really? That's all I can do? Have you guys heard of this or had any experience with something like this?

Sorry for the Debbie Downer

This past Sunday I was battling homesickness thinking of Halloween festivities we will miss. And with the holidays just around the corner, I know its not going to get much easier. We are staying here for Thanksgiving (as it is right before Finals) and we just booked flights to Oklahoma for Christmas. We'll get to come home around New Years and for Matt's wedding, but that seems so far away (and who cares about New Years anymore?) I admit I moped around that whole afternoon, trying to convince myself to cheer up knowing it was only fair to spend time with Will's family. Besides, I asked him what he'd rather have for Christmas -- a TV or a trip to Oklahoma, and I admit I was surprised when he said Oklahoma.

Now in my heart I know that home is really wherever Willie and Olivia are, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss you guys and your cute kiddos like crazy! I think becoming a mom has made me more of a home-body, wanting to be close to my family. Well Mom, I'm now a bit more understanding of all the homesickness you have gone through!

Something to get us through the day

"I know that each of us has a vital and essential role as a daughter of God. He has bestowed upon His daughters divine attributes for the purpose of forwarding His work. God has entrusted women with the sacred work of bearing and rearing children. No other work is more important. It is a holy calling. The noblest office for a woman is the sacred work of building eternal families, ideally in partnership with her husband."

—Sister Silvia H. Allred

WE CAN DO IT!!!

And CONGRATS TO OUR SWEET BROTHER!!!!

Happy Anniversary

Cesar and I celebrated our fourth anniversary this week! Amanda was so nice and took Rosie for the night so Cesar and I could get away. (Thanks sis!) After a whole 24 hours of no baby, no mickey mouse, no singing "itsy bitsy spider," and no poopy diapers, I have to admit I felt sad our "together time" was over! Maybe that is wrong for me to say, and maybe it means my "motherly instinct" isn't completely in touch right now, but is it so bad that I love my husband so much that I truly miss the time when it was just him and I? I keep having these torn feelings, like I should miss Rosie more than I do after not seeing her for twenty four hours, but at the same time I am so sad that Cesar and I probably won't have another 24 hours alone for another year! I truly hope I am not the only mother who loves her children tremendously, but misses the time she had with her husband before kids came along!

I feel like if I continue to write I will just continue to sound like a worse mom, so I will leave it there.

Lesson Learned...Again.

I've been sheltered for too long. Attending BYU for the past...um, let's see...umpteen years, I've grown (for lack of a better term) "soft in the belly." I have forgotten how different I am from the rest of the world, and that I have something so valuable that most in this world do not. Let me explain:

A few days before General Conference, a co-worker that I have become friends with asked if I had any plans for the weekend. Although I knew I'd spend it watching Conference, I guess didn't want to sound "weird" so I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "Not much, just hangin' out." I was immediately disappointed in myself--I just passed up a great opportunity to share a little bit about who I am and what I believe in. You would think having served a mission, I would be a bit more comfortable sharing what is most important to me, but I guess I've just been out of practice for a while in my BYU bubble.

I came home that evening and shared my disappointing response with Willie. He just smiled and said, "Well, what are you going to say when she asks how your weekend went?" That gave me hope!

Sure enough, Monday morning she asked if I found anything to do over the weekend. "Actually," I said, "I spent most of it listening to a Conference that my church holds twice a year." She just smiled and said "Oh, that's cool," and that was it. So simple, and yet I felt so much better about myself for just being upfront about who I am. Since then she has asked a few more questions, and who knows where it will lead. For now I just want to focus on being a friend to her and her cute family while looking for opportunities to share a bit more of what matters most to me.

Not really a "mommy" post, but this mommy needed reminding that just because she is a busy mom and wife, she must not shy away from opportunities to share who she is and what she believes with other children of God.

Hubby Lovin'

So... husbands... what a crazy plan to have two opposite beings come together to form a partnership! While motherhood is my greatest joy in life, wife-hood is my greatest adventure!

I am doing personal progress right now for a competition with our young women and I had to be nicer to the family member of my choice for two whole weeks. I couldn't criticize or use any negative language, even sarcasm! And I had to make a special effort to build up and encourage this family member. Guess who I choose?

At first I thought, "I'm already SO nice to Nate, my life won't even change in the next two weeks." (I love how I think I'm so wonderful.) However, I found myself holding my tongue on more than one occasion and truly trying to only voice praise to him for all that he does. I tried harder to have dinner ready and a clean(er) house when he came home. I didn't think it was making a difference until we had a talk one night about his work. The spirit is amazing how it can pierce through even the thickest of skulls because I saw my husband more clearly during that conversation somehow. I recognized things that I've been missing for the last little while.

Then tonight we both started getting frustrated with the fly situation in our house (I swear I kill 5 per day!) and we started doing the typical finger pointing and venting session. I literally felt the peace in my heart drain. I changed my tone and Nate instantly changed his. Now we have been giggling at each other all evening.

The spirit is so sensitive! Leaving over a little squabble about flies! I never would have noticed it had I not been doing this challenge. Moral of the story? Watch yourself, your thoughts and your words. You are the keeper of the spirit in your home, guard it well.

New Thoughts From An Old Person....

Hi ladies. what a good idea this is. Thanks for inviting me to be a part of this blog! I like being able to hear the innermost thoughts and feelings of you beautiful darling sweet young women. Hearing your stories and visiting your homes and holding your babies makes me wish I could do it all over again! What a great place you are all at in your lives right now. You all look so happy and content. I hope that is the case with you all. Mother hood is the greatest blessing there is in life. We are all so lucky and blessed to be mothers (and grandmothers), and women, and wives. Enjoy this time ladies. Enjoy every day and every minute. Find joy in serving your family. Find joy and happiness in making your husbands and your children happy. It is a labor of love isn't it? It is worth it! Being a wife, mother and homemaker is our calling, cherish it, treasure it find joy in it and you will be happy.

A Good Box Breaking

In Italy they have a saying, "Rompere le scatole" - break the boxes. The closest thing I can think of in English is "humble pie". But the Italian version is much more aggressive. Let me explain.

Imagine yourself standing on a soap box, spouting off your opinions. First of all, to be up on a soap box, you must be expressing something of which you are completely convinced. Second of all, it is a public setting. You want people to know what you think!

Now imagine someone comes along and smashes your soap box, causing you to topple over . Your assailant approaches you with some irrefutable fact and you are forced to realize that whatever you were saying is totally false. That, my friends, is to have your box broken.

One of the greatest box-breaker of my life is dear, sweet, wonderful Elder Neal A. Maxwell. (How I miss him every conference!) He is phenomenal at giving tough love and encouragement all wrapped into one. Not only will he blatantly break your box, he will help you to your feet and lovingly teach you the truth.

Considering my latest mini-crisis of figuring out motherhood, Elder Maxwell pulls through for me again. First the box breaking:

"So many things have combined to underwrite a surging selfishness that presents us with a sobering scene. Many people assert their needs, but where have we lodged the corresponding obligations? Many have become demanders, but where are the providers and the deliverers? The drives for self-fulfillment and self-awareness and self-assertion have been heightened... Selfish people are forever taking their own temperature, asking themselves, "Am I happy?"

Ouch. That actually stung a bit. I had found the reason I was struggling being truly happy and at peace with my crazy life. I was being selfish. Not to worry, he immediately follows his rebuke with a warm cup of hope.

"The finding of oneself is a process that is both gradual and constant; it is an accumulative accomplishment; it is a patient process. We lose ourselves in righteous service and in wise and good causes through a thousand deeds. By obeying and serving, we are growing, to be sure, but there is little room (and almost no time) in which to notice our growth. We are in a sense, being fulfilled because we are being emptied."

And there it is. Just because we don't notice our growth doesn't mean it's not happening. We are being molded and shaped every day through a thousand small deeds. (Wait... even laundry? Yes... even laundry :) So the next time I feel emptied, I'm going to try and say to myself, "My, what a marvelous day of personal growth!"

Thank you for doing this blog with me ladies. Things make so much more sense when you have to organize your thoughts and share them with others.

Behavior modification?

I think I know why we are intended to have both a mom and a dad.

My wonderful husband happens to be a psychology major. Before you start thinking what a tender-hearted, right-brained man he must be, let me quickly tell you he ditched that avenue and went into business. He decided he wouldn't be very successful as a therapist if he told his clients to "buck up and get over it." He did, however, come away with one concept from his studies: behavior modification. For one (lame-o) class he took, he trained a rat to do various things in order to get food. He watched as the rat named Roy did whatever he thought was necessary to get what he wanted.

Needless to say, our sweet 2-year-old daughter Shelby is the new Roy the rat. Her dad is determined to eliminate any whining or crying from her by consciously not rewarding that behavior in any way. This has been a parenting struggle between my sweet husband and I. Of course, I don't want to end up with a whiny 14 year old, who wants that? However, I might be labeled by some as "a bit of a softy." (Quotation marks on purpose, that may or may not have been said to me the other night.)

So last night, we were almost asleep around 11:00pm when I heard a sudden cry out for help. Shelby had been asleep for over 2 hours and woke up crying--in this case I usually pin a bad dream as the culprit. This time, I decided to give this whole "behavior modification" theory a try. I lie in bed starting at the ceiling as I listened to her say through her sobs, "Mommy mommy mommy...." while she sobbed some more. This continued a few minutes more (hours if you ask me), and eventually she quieted down and fell asleep. It was official: I was heartbroken. 10 minutes later I got up to check on her; she was rolled up in the corner of her crib, gripping her blankie tightly. I brought her to the middle, put a pillow under her head and pulled a blanket over her. I bent down and kissed her sweet head as a tear rolled down my face.

I climbed back into bed, and Travis put his arm around me, asking me if everything was ok. I whispered that it wasn't, that I was heartbroken. I said this whole parenting thing is going to require balance. But first and foremost, I am this tender little girl's mother. Among all my duties to her, my number one job is to love her until I turn blue; to provide loving arms when she needs comfort. My job as her earthly mommy is to do what her heavenly mommy would do if she were here. Trav gave me a hug and whispered that he understood.

This morning when she made her first peep, I took her with her binkie and blankie and held her in the rocking chair, watching her slowly wake up. She just gazed in my eyes for a few moments. When she saw my eyes squint into a smile, hers immediately followed suit. We were healed.

At the end of the day, when this whole parenting thing is over, my biggest regret wouldn't be that I didn't discipline her enough--it would be that I didn't love her enough. And so, I am here to do both, but mostly love.

Besides, who wants to snuggle a rat named Roy? He doesn't need his mommy the way Shelby needs me. :)

All You Need is LOVE

I have been thinking about how to be a good mom a lot these past few months. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough, or being enough, or teaching enough. Rosie has always preferred her dad over me, and sometimes it makes me wonder if it's because she doesn't feel my love enough. Now that I am pregnant with my second, I struggle with wondering why I am bring another person into this world, when I don't even know how to reach out and touch the heart of my first child!

I work part-time, and there are days when I get home from work and she needs something, but I have no idea how her day has gone so I don't know what she needs! So, I ask Cesar how she's been doing that day, and all I get is: "Good." What does that mean? How has she been eating? Sleeping? Playing? Has she been outside? How much TV has she watched? Have you read to her? Walked with her?

As I struggle with this particular issue in being a Mom, I have to remind myself of what my sister Liz said at our most recent Girls Night Out. Liz talked about how kids just really need LOVE, and all of the other stuff works itself out. "It all comes out in the wash," right Emily? I get too caught up in Rosie's physical needs and teaching her that I sometimes forget to just LOVE her. I need to let go of my checklist and start embracing the moment, and embracing Rosie. The floor is dirty? Who cares. There are dirty dishes? I'll do them later. There is a project that is still unfinished? It can go unfinished one more day. Today, and in this moment, I need to play with Rosie... This will take a LOT of work for me to change, but I think my daughters will be grateful for that dirty house some day because they got to see their mom playing with them and loving them.

Change

So we've all heard the statement, "Nothing is as constant as change." I find it's incredible how one moment, one conversation can change everything. Like the moment you first realize that the baby in your arms is truly your child. Or someone says something that changes your heart forever.

Sometimes I find myself almost breathless with how much I have changed in the past 6 months. Most of it is good change, but I still find it emotionally exhausting. I have only been thinking few hours ahead or behind me for 6 months. Its like I've been hiking looking down at my feet, only to look around me long after I began and wonder where I am. I know I'm in a good place, my boys make me so happy. But I simply cannot be the same person. I'm always rushing and planning things literally down the ounce and minute, trying to restore some sanity to my life. But I think I'm chasing a train that left a long time ago. The train of sanity, tranquility, meditation and perspective.

I need a new version of me to keep up with this life of mine. But I don't know what it is yet.... A big piece of that will be to prioritize. But sometimes I find myself using "priorities" as an excuse for why the laundry isn't done or the kitchen is a disaster. I thought I could do more. I thought I could be more.

Perhaps I'm lazy. Perhaps I simply expect too much. I know I need a change, I need TO change. If only I could see the forest rather than the trees. Don't most moms have some sort of a rhythm by now??? This makes no sense, I realize that. But I just had to vent to people I trust. I'll keep you posted on my progress :)

Positive Thinking

Rosie just threw up... in her sleep... all over her crib... I got her out of the crib, into new jammies, changed the sheets, took out her blankies, gave her a new binky and put her back to bed. As I cleaned it up quickly, trying to not wake her up too much, I kept thinking, "There should be a law against pregnant women cleaning up barf!"
Fortunately, there's not.
Fortunately??? YES. FORTUNATELY. Fortunately it is MY resposiblity to clean up the throw up of my 17 month old, and NOT someone else's.
I think positive thinking is the majority of the battle, especially while being a mommy.
Sorry, I have to go. Rosie is crying again. :)

Posted by Sarah

No Patience to Learn Patience!

Hello Ladies! I came across this little clip yesterday and it was such a great reminder of the blessings of patience. President Uchtdorf's talk really touched me the first time I heard it, but the visuals of the kiddos really drive the point home for me! :) Sometimes I want to be the kid stuffing his face as I lose patience with all the ways the Lord is trying to teach me patience!! I think, "I already learned how to be patient! How about you send this lesson on to someone who could really use it?" (Sounds like I could use a humility lesson as well :) Those urges are stifled when I realize that too many of my life's greatest blessings have come from exercising just a little patience. Why not allow the Lord to fulfill his promises by just waiting peacefully a little longer?

And as you all know, being a mommy and wife many lessons of patience are automatically built in. :) So what is that one area in life where you could exercise just a little more patience?

Enough talk, enjoy!

Continue in Patience (click here)

Posted by Liz