So I thought I would make my debut on this awesome blog. I know I am not a Mommy yet, but I hope you don't mind.
I have had something on my mind lately and I wanted to share. Probably all of you know that I do marriage therapy right now at my work. I have learned a lot in working with my couples, and I wanted to share a great technique with you that I have been using. Matt and I are even trying it! It helps a lot to really get to know each other better and really come to know what each other needs. Perhaps you think you already know what the other person needs in these categories, but our needs can change over time, and it is always important to get on the same page again.
How To:
Read the statement of each emotional need together, and then write a definition of what you expect from your spouse in that category. Your husband will do the same and write his own definition for you. To help you out, complete phrases like: I EXPECT THAT MY SPOUSE WILL......or.......I NEED MY SPOUSE TO........I FEEL FULFILLED IN THIS WHEN........or simply - I WANT..........ETC. Does this make sense? The important thing to remember while doing this, is not to point your finger. For example, I do not want you to say something like: I want this, but you never do it. Make it positive. Then after each person has defined their expectations, talk about what the other wrote and commit to putting those things into practice. Review the other's expectations often.
Here is the list:
The Ten Emotional Needs
1. Affection – Showing love through words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love.
2. Sexual Fulfillment – A sexual relationship that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response for both partners and is frequent enough for both.
3. Conversation – Talking about the events of the day, feelings, and plans; avoiding angry or judgmental statements or dwelling on past mistakes; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided attention.
4. Recreational Companionship – Develop interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities. If any prove to be unpleasant to your spouse after an effort has been made, negotiating new recreational activities that are mutually enjoyable.
5. Honesty and Openness – Revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving you with a false impression; answering your questions truthfully.
6. Attractiveness of Spouse – Keeping physically fit with diet and exercise; wearing hair, clothing, and (if female) makeup in a way that you find attractive and tasteful.
7. Financial Support – Provision of the financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable to you.
8. Domestic Support – Creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; managing the home and care of the children – if any are at home – including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, and housecleaning.
9. Family Commitment – Scheduling sufficient time and energy for the moral and educational development of your children; reading to them, taking them on frequent outings, educating himself or herself in appropriate child-training methods and discussing those methods with you; avoiding any child-training method or disciplinary action that does not have your enthusiastic support.
10. Admiration – Respecting, valuing, and appreciating you; rarely critical and expressing admiration to you clearly and often.
Anyway, I would love to know how this all works for you. You gals are probably all professional in knowing your hubby's expectations in each of these, but maybe not! And I hope this can help you draw closer to each other. This technique can really help build communication and trust, and help your marriage be even stronger and more united. Enjoy!
I love you all so much!
Your sister,
Jac
Thanks Jac! This is awesome. I love to do little exercises like this every once in a while to make sure communication lines stay open. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI have not been as regular of an attendee of our blog as of late, so you can imagine my pleasure and surprise in seeing such an insightful post from our cute little Jac. Thanks Jac! I think communicated needs or expectations is always helpful (when done in the right spirit), no matter how smoothly marriage is going. Will and I did almost the exact exercise when we were engaged, and it really opened both of our eyes as to what makes the other tick. Every once in a while we go back to a topic and redress how our needs have changed, but you have added some topics that we have never really considered. And since I love any excuse to have a good conversation with my hubby, I thank you!
ReplyDeleteOh! And I should add that Will and I often joke about the beauty of low expectations - or at least reasonable expectations, especially in areas that really aren't eternally crucial - following the sweet example of Marjorie Hinckley. It's amazing how satisfying life can be when we don't just communicate our needs and expectations, but also make the effort to keep them in check and evaluate them for reasonableness (for lack of a better word). Because one thing I have learned...communication alone doesn't bridge gaps or resolve conflict.
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