I work with a lady who was once a principle of an elementary school, and we got to talking about child development the other day. She brought up this Robert Doman dude, and his website nacd.org. I'm not sure if any of you have heard of him, but there is a page that lists a bunch of journal articles he's had published at http://nacd.org/journal/index.php. I have just been a little weary of Rosie's development, not that there are any major signs, but her little uncontrollable eye and hand movements when she's excited just got me wondering. ANYWAY, to make a long story short, I got on the website and started reading a bunch of the articles and I found it really interesting! I realized I don't have a lot to worry about, especially since she's so young.I also found this really GREAT article about dad's, and their impact on our children. I'm so happy we have all married such awesome guys, I seriously LOVE all my brother-in-laws. Not only are they making great husbands, but they are amazing fathers, so please don't take this the wrong way. :) I just think it's nice to have DIRECTION while parenting. Here is a funny quote from one of the first articles: "One of the great mysteries of life has to do with the big question of our children and their potential. What is it, and how do we help them achieve it? No job any of us will ever have is more important than the job of raising a child. Unfortunately, no job comes with less training on how to do it! As a result, most children never come close to achieving their innate potential because parents are not taught how to unlock it....... Parents are children’s first and most important teachers. If anyone questions the role of parents as educators, they need only to look at the fact that most children will learn more by the time they are five years old than they will during the entire rest of their lives." - Robert J. Doman, Jr.
Here is a synopsis of the "Your Father Said - Process Fathering" article:
Because of the apparent complexities of the issues, many aspects of our lives appear to be beyond our abilities to make significant changes. Being unable to identify the specifics, we are unable to approach the problem in an orderly, logical manner. We make an effort, generally one lacking in focus, fail and back away from the problem. As with most issues, there are a few basics which, if identified and adhered to, greatly simplify the problems. In dealing with our families and children, we bring to the problem all of our childhood training and experiences, our cultural bias, thousands upon thousands of previous discussions and thoughts, as well as a plethora of conflicting ideas and approaches which we have heard or been exposed to in the past. Attempting to sift through the mess often only leaves us with confusion.
1. Agreement between Husband and Wife - Agreement between husbands and wives is often difficult, particularly when it comes to how to handle the children. I would suggest to the wife who is looking for her husband's support and involvement that she does not attempt to get it by taking an inflexible stand on "her" way of handling things. No one "knows" when it comes to children, we only "think." When one only thinks and doesn't really know, it is wise to be flexible. Many different approaches can work if parents work together and are reasonably consistent. Both parents should be openminded, agree upon a game plan, and try it for a specific length of time. Later they should evaluate the results and either continue with what appears to be a winning plan or go to plan B, C, or D. The important thing is to do it together. Share the effort and the responsibility and be patient. Fathers often become impatient because their homes do not run as their offices. Unlike homes, offices are very single-minded. We should neither expect our homes to run like our offices, nor want them to do so.
2. One to one time with your children - Many fathers never establish a relationship with their children. In the work world, pecking orders are established in groups but relationships are only established one to one. If you want to get to know someone you work with, you have lunch together, meet socially, etc. You get together on a one to one basis. The same factors are true of our home. Every child in the family needs to spend one to one time with his or her father. The one to one time can come while running out to the store, playing catch, "helping" with homework, etc. Relationships are established with quality time not by quantity of exposure. It is important to structure time preferably on a daily basis but at least weekly with each of your children, and make it positive.
3. Positive family unit time - You want your home to be a good place to be, a place your children want to be. You want family outings and activities to be positive experiences. If possible, family projects and activities should involve every member of the family. Family unit activities can range from church attendance and participation to family fishing trips, raising animals, skiing, etc. Whatever the activity, you must make it positive. A family outing with the dictator getting on everyone's case is not a positive family experience. Structure weekly activities.
4. Positive intensity - To mothers, fathers often appear to have an unfair advantage. Mother can tell the child something a thousand times without apparent effect. The father, however, can say it once and produce an immediate response. Such is a father's intensity. That intensity can be utilized to help eliminate negative behaviors but, more importantly, to build new positive behaviors. Father's influence can encourage a child to do anything from liking spelling to enjoying taking out the garbage. Those things which elicit a strong positive response from fathers motivate children. The father who is actively involved with his child, who can identify when that intense positive influence is necessary, can dramatically effect his child's development, education, and values.
5. Assume a specific responsibility - Fathers should assume the primary responsibility for some specific activity of the child. The specific activity could be homework, a specific aspect of a home rehabilitation program, an outside activity such as scouts, etc. The assumption of such a responsibility affords the father the opportunity to understand the ongoing responsibilities that his wife faces as well as helps create the opportunity for the one to one involvement with the child.
6. Maintain a positive environment - The final, but in many ways most important, part of the process is to maintain a positive balance of responses within the home. Simply stated, this means that more positive strokes than negative strokes must be given. Keep it positive!
1. Agreement between Husband and Wife - Agreement between husbands and wives is often difficult, particularly when it comes to how to handle the children. I would suggest to the wife who is looking for her husband's support and involvement that she does not attempt to get it by taking an inflexible stand on "her" way of handling things. No one "knows" when it comes to children, we only "think." When one only thinks and doesn't really know, it is wise to be flexible. Many different approaches can work if parents work together and are reasonably consistent. Both parents should be openminded, agree upon a game plan, and try it for a specific length of time. Later they should evaluate the results and either continue with what appears to be a winning plan or go to plan B, C, or D. The important thing is to do it together. Share the effort and the responsibility and be patient. Fathers often become impatient because their homes do not run as their offices. Unlike homes, offices are very single-minded. We should neither expect our homes to run like our offices, nor want them to do so.
2. One to one time with your children - Many fathers never establish a relationship with their children. In the work world, pecking orders are established in groups but relationships are only established one to one. If you want to get to know someone you work with, you have lunch together, meet socially, etc. You get together on a one to one basis. The same factors are true of our home. Every child in the family needs to spend one to one time with his or her father. The one to one time can come while running out to the store, playing catch, "helping" with homework, etc. Relationships are established with quality time not by quantity of exposure. It is important to structure time preferably on a daily basis but at least weekly with each of your children, and make it positive.
3. Positive family unit time - You want your home to be a good place to be, a place your children want to be. You want family outings and activities to be positive experiences. If possible, family projects and activities should involve every member of the family. Family unit activities can range from church attendance and participation to family fishing trips, raising animals, skiing, etc. Whatever the activity, you must make it positive. A family outing with the dictator getting on everyone's case is not a positive family experience. Structure weekly activities.
4. Positive intensity - To mothers, fathers often appear to have an unfair advantage. Mother can tell the child something a thousand times without apparent effect. The father, however, can say it once and produce an immediate response. Such is a father's intensity. That intensity can be utilized to help eliminate negative behaviors but, more importantly, to build new positive behaviors. Father's influence can encourage a child to do anything from liking spelling to enjoying taking out the garbage. Those things which elicit a strong positive response from fathers motivate children. The father who is actively involved with his child, who can identify when that intense positive influence is necessary, can dramatically effect his child's development, education, and values.
5. Assume a specific responsibility - Fathers should assume the primary responsibility for some specific activity of the child. The specific activity could be homework, a specific aspect of a home rehabilitation program, an outside activity such as scouts, etc. The assumption of such a responsibility affords the father the opportunity to understand the ongoing responsibilities that his wife faces as well as helps create the opportunity for the one to one involvement with the child.
6. Maintain a positive environment - The final, but in many ways most important, part of the process is to maintain a positive balance of responses within the home. Simply stated, this means that more positive strokes than negative strokes must be given. Keep it positive!
I really like what he has to say about child development. I guess I just identify with the fact that I have NO idea what I'm doing as a parent. I know I love my children to death, and even though they drive me crazy sometimes, I will always want the best for them. The problem is I sometimes don't feel like I am the best for them because I have no idea what I'm doing! I guess I was just finally relieved to find a valid website that says one of the best things I can do for my toddler is to spend time with them, play with them, read to them, and LOVE them. I am a little sick of opinions from people who act like they know what they're talking about but don't have any proof that what they're saying actually works. It's all opinion. (For example, the opinions in Relief Society...) Anyway, sorry this is SO LONG, but no one has posted in a while, so I thought I would start it back up. Love you girls!!!
"As parents, one of the best things we can do for our children is to spend time interacting with them. Ironically, in an attempt to provide our children with “opportunities” we run them around to piano lessons, gymnastics and soccer games when often the most enriching thing we can do for them is just to be with them, talk with them, read to them, and play with them. Parents who give their children focused, one-on-one interaction on a daily basis provide vital stimulation their kids need to thrive and succeed. "
Thanks Sar, I need that reminder! I was feeling the same way, it always drives me into reading one of my many baby books, looking for "How To Parent Toddlers" only to find there's no magic words or actions. These little human beings have to learn the way we all do, by experience. And experience is a hard teacher sometimes. I just wish I could make Caden understand why binkies are only for sleeping instead of just making him so very sad... I wish I could help Blake eat his food without making him cry.
ReplyDeleteBut it's like you said, we do the best we can with what we know and try to stay consistent. Then I just have to look at the loving and time spending as me repaying them for needing to discipline them. Haha! Thanks Sar!
Great post. Something that may be on all of our minds as our little ones grow, develop personalities and assert independence. In fact, parental wisdom has become a nightly request in our family prayers as the Terrible Twos have not been easy lately. Olivia has been proving to be a challenge these past couple weeks, and I am slowly learning what approaches are more effective with her. I've also learned how important it is to come up with a game plan BEFORE the chaos begins and patience runs thin. Olivia was blessed with strong stubborn genes from both sides of the family, so if I turn a discipline situation into a battle of wills instead of a teaching opportunity, all hell breaks loose (pardon the french, but that is really how it feels).
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally agree with striving to maintain a positive balance within the home - more positive strokes than negative. And lately it seems the more I positively parent, the less need for the negative to rear its ugly head (although the negative is still an essential part of parenting, in my opinion). But like you said, at times I feel pretty clueless as a parent, so thanks for the additional insight!