So hypothetically, lets say your husband gets in a little (or major) tiff with his mother... What is your role in the whole ordeal?
(a) You are the anointed peacemaker and must serve as a go-between diplomat until both mother and son feel peace on earth once again.
(b) You are simply a listener for husband and mother-in-law and you empathize each side of the argument respectively.
(c) You use this as your chance to be rid of your mother-in-law once and for all and encourage your husband to cut all ties (this one is a joke :)
(d) Absolutely nothing. They will or will not work it out themselves and there's nothing you can do about it.
You may also opt for the essay portion and create your own answer.
Just hypothetically speaking, of course....
I would say it is both A and B, but more between the two of them, not necessarily one or the other. I wouldn't push them to peace, they have to come to that on their own (a). But, if you feel prompted to say something, or push one or the other in a certain direction, don't hold back (b)! I can't really relate to this, obviously, because my mother-in-law can't/won't communicate with me. BUT, when I am caught in the middle of an argument, I try to be more of a sounding board for both parties. Then, if I feel like something needs to be brought to the attention of either party, I will try to help them understand the other side of the story in hopes to help them meet in the middle somewhere. Don't feel like you have to take on the role of peacemaker, though! I know you try to do that in our family, and I think you have felt that way a little with Nate's family. Just don't feel like it is your responsibility to fix it. It is your responsibility to be supportive and loving. I love you!!!
ReplyDeleteYou might be upset with me, but I had Travis take the quiz as well because he was sitting right here next to me. I thought I would ask him because I feel like if the roles were reversed, the quiz wouldn't even apply. ha.
ReplyDeleteHis answer was D. With half of B. Basically he thinks it's not your place to be on BOTH sides of the issue. Be a listening ear to your spouse (B), and encourage him to see past his mom's actions. But ultimately, if your spouse has serious issue with his/her family member, it is your job to simply respect it. He has years of reasons for feeling the way he does, and sometimes you have to admit you simply can't literally put yourself in their shoes.
So to summarize: encourage forgiveness and love. But if not, be patient and understanding.
Oh, another Trav tid-bit: he adds that he wouldn't want me to be a listening board to his mom...I'm not married to her. The reason I am related to her is through him, right?
I'm not sure I agree with him on everything...but there it is.
Now if MOM AND I were not seeing eye to eye...I'm not sure any of these options would even apply. :) I don't know, most people would agree that Trav is the one to call if you want to talk about your feelings. He's a fabulous listener.
What honey? Oh nothing, dear.
P.S. Emmy your role of peacemaker is constantly changing faces depending on the situation, right? Now is the time to figure out where you stand between them. I know you'll figure what to do.
What an interesting and thought-provoking post. I would agree with all that has been said, in that you really should take a more supportive rather than proactive role.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the most important relationship involved here is the one between you and your husband, and if you took a really proactive diplomatic role, then you might damage the feelings of loyalty and allegiance between husband and wife.
That said, I think it is okay to listen and follow promptings, even if it is with your mother-in-law, so long as your first and foremost goal is to prioritize and preserve your relationship with your husband. I like Amanda's summary - Be there to foster forgiveness and love, but if not, be patient and understanding. And if you can help facilitate understanding of the other side, like Sar said, in a way that is not threatening nor condescending, then I don't think that is overstepping bounds. But that comes from an eternal devil's advocate. :)
Ultimately, Em, you will know better than all of us how to handle your situation - just listen to your gut. But don't bite off more than you can chew - remember your priority, and when in doubt, stick to being there for Nate.
Manda, tell Trav thanks for his help. Sometimes I just wish we could all quiz each other's husbands on how to deal with our own husbands! Haha!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks to all of you for the reassurance that I'm not abandoning Sharon in letting this resolve itself between the two of them. I feel so responsible for everyone sometimes! Not that I think I have all the answers, I just always assumed doing something dumb is better than doing nothing at all... hahahahahahaha I need so much therapy....
Anyways, thanks for being my therapists and helping me see that nothing actually IS better :)