Thursday, September 20, 2012
S.O.S. to my Sisters!
I have to be honest, sisters, I have been feeling overwhelmed with being a stay at home mom for the past month! I know I should suck it up, but you girls are amazing examples of stay at home moms and I am realizing that I don't know how you do it. I am so used to going into the office three days a week, and coming home to a clean house and happy kids (most of the time). I have been home with the kids and my project of a house now for a month, and just broke down last night to Cesar about how hard it has been! Don't get me wrong, it's all I've ever wanted. As a kid I saw how much Mom wanted to be there for us, and how it broke her heart to leave us, and ever since then my aspiration has been to be there for my kids and not work outside the home. I am realizing I should be careful what I ask for, because sometimes Heavenly Father gives it to me! :) I guess I've been feeling like a little 50's housewife, where my sole purpose in life is raising kids and cleaning house and cooking dinner and sewing little projects, and I need to get used to the different way I am receiving thanks for the the work I am doing. At work I would get praised for my work and effort, and there was always a smile and a pleasant "thank you" for a job well done. I put the same effort in at home and what thanks do I get? Another mess, another sink of dirty dishes, another temper tantrum or crying/whining from the kids, another poopy diaper, another day of feeling overwhelmed with this thankless job of being a mom. There are definitely moments where Maya will snuggle into my shoulder, or Rosie will tackle me with a hug and a kiss, and I am happier than I ever thought possible. I suppose I just struggle with making those small and fleeting moments sustain me in feeling thanked and fulfilled to give me the gusto to keep doing it all. Since I know it will be a while before we can get together I wanted to tap into the best network of amazing, loving moms I have: my sisters! Any advice you can give, I will soak it up...
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First thing that's important to note: we ALL feel this at times. Everyone does, stop beating yourself up NOW.
ReplyDelete#2: Tell Cesar he needs to be oober respectful and supportive of you now. :) It helps to get sincere recognition/appreciation from the hubs ...cause we all know it's not coming from the 2 year old!
#3: Now bear with me, I may be getting off onto a huge tangent here. But I say, USE THIS TIME to your advantage. As I get feeling that I've "lost myself" I realize that now is when I get to create myself. We're still young (-ish). It's exciting! I've been thinking of ways to give my kids a successful start in their lives. Funny thing is: this has much to do with WHO their mother is. Our kids and husbands are constantly turning to us for support (i.e. magic kisses for owies, pats on the back, endless spill cleaning, mediation for angry siblings, help with work/homework (hubbies), advise, teaching gospel principles, and on and on--do I have to stop?). Well, in order to provide that "support" we need to have the depth and strength available for them to draw from, and we've gotta renew that source REGULARLY.
I don't call this being selfish--I've heard it compared to the 10 virgins. Let's make sure our lamps are full in order to fill those around us. And certainly HOW we fill-up is different for all of us.
Find a goal. Figure out how to reach it. Accomplish something small and spectacular (in your eyes). That spark goes a long way in generating more of yourself to give to your family.
I'm really trying to decide what Amanda's "good mom" looks like (because everybody's "good mom" is individual and unique, thank heavens!!). So lately I'm trying to fill up my lamp, and then serve those crazy critters until I drop. Then I need a refill.
I guess what I'm trying to say is don't stop progressing in your OWN way. Somehow I think our little sparks ignite our families in a beautiful, effortless way.
I hate how much I talk. I wish I could be like Emily and take my rambling thoughts and deliver them in one concise and profound sentence. But I'm not her, so you get the novel. Deal with it. :)
I love you Sar. Please know you're not alone in the struggle. Thanks for bringing it up.
So I need to clarify something. I'm not talking about getting into full-blown "me-mode". I'm not suggesting we start asking "What about me? What about my life, my fulfillment?"
ReplyDeleteI'm more talking about developing some kind of a rich private life, something from which you can draw a sort of inner strength.
I know that the minute I start to get selfish, I lose my contentment in my role as mommy. On the other hand, I really find myself--my BEST self--when I'm serving my kids and hubby cheerfully (using all that inner strength from my oil-filled lamp).
One last thing, never play the comparision game, for pete's sake! We will ALWAYS lose. Let's just try to be the happiest Sarah and Amanda we can be.
..and Liz and Jac and Emily and Jess. :)
Ah, Amanda, this is what I have been feeling! Like I have nothing to give. Like I'm running on empty almost all the time. Thank you for the advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is what I needed to hear. I need to be ME, the best that I can be, and find strength in that. But first I need to figure out who that is! Who is "mommy Sarah?" I know who work Sarah is, I know who wife Sarah is, I need to create my mommy Sarah. Who do I want to be for my kids? What kind of woman do I want them to look up to? What kinds of things should I pursue in order to help me feel fulfilled and strengthened? I like the comparison to the 10 virgins and filling our lamps with GOOD things so we burn a GOOD light. Does that make sense? I recently printed a piece of paper (yesterday) that asks these questions:
DeleteTODAY what did I do for my mind? My body? My spirit? My relationships? My creativity and passion?
I think it gives me that perspective to focus my time and enery, instead of running around frantically like a headless chicken. :) (That was a funny image in my head of me running around after Maya, HEADLESS, because I feel that way a lot of the time!)
I think a big reason I feel so accomplished at work is because I sit down in the morning and plan my day. I would dedicate a certain amount of time to each aspect of my job in order to do the WHOLE job well. I think I need to do that at home now. Focus on each aspect of my job every day, even if it's only for five minutes in one area and an hour in the other, so that I feel focused and accomplished at the end of the day.
Sorry, I'm also not Emily or Neal A. Maxwell, so you get another novel. :)
Sorry, my thoughts are coming! I couldn't go to bed tonight without telling you that it's half way finished and I just kept getting interrupted all day! Gotta love mommyhood :)
ReplyDeleteEm! You are totally fine, take your time. I know you're thinking of me. :) BTW, Dad can't come to dinner on Sunday. So far it's just you, Matt and Manda.
DeleteFirst of all, when have I ever given one sentence advice? Secondly, sorry this took so long. This is my third attempt, let’s hope I finish this time… haha, speaking of the joys of motherhood ;) I agree with Amanda that every mom struggles and I need to put her advice into action create myself more. I also know all too well how those challenges can be magnified when you don’t work outside the home.
ReplyDeleteJust last week Nate was talking about a very successful project that he designed and implemented at work. Adobe people from San Francisco to Switzerland want to use the library he’s created. At first I was so excited for him, so happy and proud. But the more and more he talked the more my heart sank. I felt like he was a million miles away from me, like we live in two different worlds. We started reading scriptures and all my old insecurities came back about why the scriptures were all about men and their stories. I started to feel forgotten and unimportant, even in Heavenly Father’s eyes.
Then my mind traveled through all the lessons and experiences I’ve had over the years that helped me understand the divinity of womanhood, especially motherhood. I remembered all the reasons that I am where I want to be. Nobody choose my life for me and if I had to choose it all over again I would be in exactly the same place.
I have been thinking about your cute post and I have narrowed it down to four things that help keep my eyes on the prize.
(It was too long so I had to break it into two comments... how's THAT for one sentence advice? Haha)
#1 Repentance: I think the greatest enemy to happiness as a mom is guilt. When I use guilt on myself to do the dishes, spend time with my kids, or go over the budget I am miserable. I know we can use all sorts of self affirmation but the quickest way to get rid of guilt is to repent. It’s like a huge burden is lifted off my shoulders and I can face the day.
ReplyDelete#2 Observation: Get to know yourself better.Everything we do either takes a toll on us or adds to our energy. Do you know which mommy activities take a toll and which ones add energy to you? I have been trying to observe not only what those things are but how large their deposits and withdrawals are. That way, if I have to do something with a big negative I preempt it with a good positive. It’s the whole “warm fuzzy, cold prickly, warm fuzzy” concept but using it on yourself instead of others.
All of us will have different things that deposit or withdraw energy and happiness. The key is to really figure out what your levels are and how to keep them in the positive. In spite of my best efforts I still go into the red occasionally. But when I’m there I have a list of things to do or think about that pulls me back up. It helps to know I'm in control of my own state of mind.
#3 Structure: One of the hardest things about staying at home full time is a complete lack of structure. Make up some non-negotiable rules for yourself. I started with just one: load and start the dishwasher EVERY NIGHT, no exceptions. Then empty it every morning. I know you guys probably aren’t as big of slobs as me to start so low on the spectrum. But it has finally become a habit now so I added a new one: one load of laundry every single day. Having a system makes everything seem more manageable.
We also have Adventure Tuesday and Art Thursday. I started out with a theme for every day of the week but those are the only two that stuck. I look at those days almost like homework or a meeting to prepare for. Plus they are always deposits for me in the end.
It is hard being your own boss and structure helps you hold yourself accountable and feel like you are accomplishing important things. But they can force you to have fun too. (i.e. I have a rule to do something spontaneous once a week.)
#4 Remember: I may have told you this before but I was in Relief Society a few months ago and had a really spiritual experience. This woman was talking about the craziness of being a mother of young children. Her children are grown and gone now and she said that she couldn’t see it then, but she knew that those were the most sacred years of her life. She said something to the effect of, “ It’s quite magnificent looking back now, but somehow I know that every time I wiped down the counter I was making my home into a place where Heavenly Father could do His most important work.”
I can’t explain it very well, but I felt like wiping down my counter was one of the reasons I came to earth. I know with all my heart that giving my children a good home filled with the spirit is a greater challenge and responsibility than anything else I could do. Now every time I wipe down my counter or pick up toys I try to REMEMBER that I am building the Kingdom of God in the most important possible way.
Sarah, thank you for asking this question. It has given me a lot to think about. Let’s keep fighting the good fight! Love you all!
WOW Emmy, I don't know what else to say. I can't believe you are my sister and I am lucky enough to gleen some wisdom off of you! I feel like I have some direction to go now. I have more purpose. I just need to pay attention to what really drains me and what energizes me. Thank you for the reply, I seriously am still in awe.
DeleteThat's it! I'm totally going to adopt some of your "life structures". Structure is what my life is lacking right now. I still get stuff done, just not in the order I would like--it's about priorities.
ReplyDeleteStructures of play/fun, cleaning, spirituality, mental/physical wellness, relationships, etc. It's just giving SPECIFIC ways to implement what is most important to us. As well as CREATING HABITS for us to do it more consistently.
Thanks Em! Getting rid of guilt through repentance has also made me more effective in my roles...get over what you do wrong, and get back to work!
Love you all. Thank you SO MUCH for bringing this up Sar. It has helped more than you know.