Communication and Trust

Hi Beautiful Sisters,

So I thought I would make my debut on this awesome blog.  I know I am not a Mommy yet, but I hope you don't mind.

I have had something on my mind lately and I wanted to share.  Probably all of you know that I do marriage therapy right now at my work.  I have learned a lot in working with my couples, and I wanted to share a great technique with you that I have been using.  Matt and I are even trying it!  It helps a lot to really get to know each other better and really come to know what each other needs.  Perhaps you think you already know what the other person needs in these categories, but our needs can change over time, and it is always important to get on the same page again.

How To: 
Read the statement of each emotional need together, and then write a definition of what you expect from your spouse in that category.  Your husband will do the same and write his own definition for you.  To help you out, complete phrases like: I EXPECT THAT MY SPOUSE WILL......or.......I NEED MY SPOUSE TO........I FEEL FULFILLED IN THIS WHEN........or simply - I WANT..........ETC.  Does this make sense?  The important thing to remember while doing this, is not to point your finger.  For example, I do not want you to say something like: I want this, but you never do it.  Make it positive.  Then after each person has defined their expectations, talk about what the other wrote and commit to putting those things into practice.  Review the other's expectations often.

Here is the list:

The Ten Emotional Needs

1.  Affection – Showing love through words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love.

2.  Sexual Fulfillment – A sexual relationship that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response for both partners and is frequent enough for both.

3.  Conversation – Talking about the events of the day, feelings, and plans; avoiding angry or judgmental statements or dwelling on past mistakes; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided attention.

4.  Recreational Companionship – Develop interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities.  If any prove to be unpleasant to your spouse after an effort has been made, negotiating new recreational activities that are mutually enjoyable.

5.  Honesty and Openness – Revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving you with a false impression; answering your questions truthfully.

6.  Attractiveness of Spouse – Keeping physically fit with diet and exercise; wearing hair, clothing, and (if female) makeup in a way that you find attractive and tasteful.

7.  Financial Support – Provision of the financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable to you.

8.  Domestic Support – Creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; managing the home and care of the children – if any are at home – including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, and housecleaning.

9.  Family Commitment – Scheduling sufficient time and energy for the moral and educational development of your children; reading to them, taking them on frequent outings, educating himself or herself in appropriate child-training methods and discussing those methods with you; avoiding any child-training method or disciplinary action that does not have your enthusiastic support.

10.  Admiration – Respecting, valuing, and appreciating you; rarely critical and expressing admiration to you clearly and often.

Anyway, I would love to know how this all works for you.  You gals are probably all professional in knowing your hubby's expectations in each of these, but maybe not!  And I hope this can help you draw closer to each other.  This technique can really help build communication and trust, and help your marriage be even stronger and more united.  Enjoy!

I love you all so much!

Your sister,

Jac

Meet For the Master's Use

All of this talk of fulfilling our personal missions fits perfectly into what has been on my mind lately. I need to be a missionary to my family. I want to start now building the testimonies of my boys and strengthening my husband. I have been worrying/wondering about it for a while, trying to know what I can do. Obviously that is the wrong question to ask...

So the other night I was so tired so I laid down to sleep and decided to just say a prayer in my head. Heavenly Father doesn't care about my position right? Well... He did that night. I distinctly felt the impression to kneel down and pray. I got to my knees and began praying when another impression came: be quiet and listen. I brushed it off and tried to talk over it but again it came: be quiet and listen, I have something to tell you...


What makes you think YOU can affect the testimony of anyone? No wonder you are frustrated, you have forgotten who's work this is. Remember how it felt to be a tool in my hands? To be given words and ideas above your own? You achieved that level of effectiveness with the spirit on your mission because you sacrificed to get it. The more of yourself you gave to me, the more WE could reach the hearts of those around you. Stop trying to do everything by yourself. How? Well how did every day start on your mission? A personal meeting with me in the scriptures and your study journal. Reading scriptures at night will bring you daily peace and even teach and inspire you. But reading scriptures in the morning is how I can prepare you to teach and inspire others. There is so much more I can make of you. And if you truly desire to be a tool in my hands, this is the sacrifice I require. I know your day starts early with your children, but what if you gave me 20-30 min before giving yourself to them?

Honestly I didn't know how to respond to that last question because I didn't know. I had never done that before. I managed a mumbled, "Thank you" before closing my prayer. I knew what He was asking of me and wondered what on earth He had to teach me that was so important.

Well, this morning was my first morning of waking up early and my studies took me to 2 Timothy 2:6-26. It starts out with "The husbandman that laboreth must be first partaker of the fruits." In other words, how can we share something we are not feasting on daily? It goes on to talk about sanctifying yourself first, before you can be "meet for the master's use, and prepared unto every good work."  It ends by saying how meek instruction will allow others to " recover themselves out of the snare of the devil."

That last part hit me hard. Even if I partake of the fruit every day, become sanctified, and teach with the Holy Spirit in meekness it is still up to every member of my family to recover themselves eventually. For a control freak mom like myself that's hard to hear. But I know it's true. And why worry endlessly about their agency when I'm not even in a place to be the influence they need! There is so much I can do and become through the Lord's help to give them the best possible opportunity of finding lasting faith. So basically the Lord said, "Stop worrying about what you cannot control, it is hindering you becoming the tool I will need in their lives! Become the true and divine YOU and the choice for them will be simple."

I love you ladies. Thanks for letting me share. I'm not saying everyone has to get up early for a personal meeting with the Lord, I just know that I need to during this chapter of my life to be what my family needs.