This video is kind of long but it is such an interesting perspective on human connection and vulnerability. It reminded me of a Sunday School class Nate and I took at the beginning of our marriage. Our teacher was studying to be a marriage counselor at BYU and one thing he talked about over and over again was this simple truth: vulnerability begets intimacy. Not necessarily physical intimacy, although that may be an additional consequence ;) but mostly an emotional intimacy.
In striving to maintain and even strengthen my human connections, bear with me as I explore a few thoughts...
It's quite the paradox that vulnerability was a common denominator in people's separation as well as other people's connections. On the one hand feeling vulnerable lead many people to feel ashamed and therefore unlovable, closing themselves off and becoming more and more distant. On the other hand demonstrating vulnerability to another person and having them love the imperfect you is quite possibly the strongest human connector we know of.
I learned one thing just now in how I worded that... Perhaps the difference isn't the emotion, it's whether we attempt to hide or share the emotion. No it's more than that, it seems to be our perception of our vulnerability. Do our weaknesses make us unlovable or endearing? Hmmm.....
This is all well and dandy in black and white on a computer screen but the honest part of me is thinking, "What a crappy way to live! To share my vulnerabilities all the time! What a drag to have a friend/spouse who's always complaining about their insecurities!"
Maybe we don't always have to share our vulnerability in words, maybe it's just being vulnerable. Asking for things with the possibility of being denied... hoping for something when you might be let down... praying for something with all your heart when the answer just might be "no" or "not yet"... It's starting to sound a lot like the definition of Faith from Elder Bednar's talk But If Not.
Okay, it's late... too much to think about... Perhaps I'll end by posing this simple question:
How can we become more "whole-hearted" and strengthen our human connections?
That is an awesome video. She reminds me of you Em :)
ReplyDeleteI need to wrap my head around this. What an awesome and nerve-racking concept!
I wasn't expecting to stay up so late thinking about this, but once I started I couldn't stop!
ReplyDeleteThis topic really hit home for me, because I think I am vulnerable to a point. I will share a “sugar-coated” feeling, testing the waters to see how it is received, and then I will either shut off or share more depending on how the other person reacts. (To be clear, this is how I operate in every relationship besides my marriage. I can honestly say I think Cesar is the only person I am completely vulnerable with.) The part that I struggle with is really believing that I am ENOUGH, weaknesses and all. It’s like I have this vision of who I should/could/ought to be, and the REAL me never does quite match up to that wonder woman. The wonder woman is the one who is worthy of love, not the “real” me… Then I find myself putting on a good face, running around trying to be wonder woman to everyone else but myself. I am such a people-pleaser!
So, for me, I think becoming more whole-hearted would start with understanding my self-worth and really trying to look at myself through my Heavenly Father’s eyes and no one else’s…. It’s funny though, because even as I sit here and try to see myself that way, I get teary eyed because I’m trying to BELIEVE it, and I think I do sometimes, but that connection is not as constant as I would like it to be.
I think my favorite part of the whole thing is when she said “The most important thing is to believe that I’m ENOUGH. When we work from a place where we believe that “I’m enough,” we stop screaming and start listening. We’re kinder and gentler to people around us and to ourselves.” This was the BIG eye-opener for me, because sometimes I feel like I’m just screaming, trying to be heard, in order to be praised, or given a pat-on-the-back, or to be told “you’re so strong and amazing, you’ll get through this…” …………But if I just KNEW that I was ENOUGH, I could be quieter inside. I could focus more fully on those around me, being more understanding, kinder and gentler with them and myself. I could start doing things that truly made me happy, instead of doing the things I think will get me the most approval… How sad that I sit here and think “what things do I do that truly make me happy, and I don’t do it with any ulterior motive of approval from others?” and can’t think of anything…… Maybe it’s just late……..YIKES… Why have I never been in counseling???
But what happens when you are vulnerable with someone and you get shut-down? Or told that you're wrong for feeling that way? It would be much easier to be vulnerable if we always felt the other person was going to be loving, accepting and receptive. How do we deal? I suppose this is where the courage, compassion and connection come in... My brain is hurting and it's late. Thank you, Emmers, for the painful, yet healing topic. :)
Ha,I didn't realize how stinkin' long that was until I hit "post comment"... Sorry for the book, sistas! I hope you don't mind being my therapists as I kick back on the couch and unload!
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ReplyDeleteThanks for the post Em, and loved your novel Sar. This is deep stuff! But it arrives at the core of so many of our collective issues. To let go of who we think we SHOULD be, and allow ourselves to BE who we are; to have the courage to be imperfect; to have compassion with ourselves first; to be authentic enough to really connect with others; and to fully embrace vulnerability. I like how we can each listen to this presentation and come up with different areas in which we struggle. On the other hand, I can think of ways is which I have struggled with all of the above!
ReplyDeleteBut Em, after much thought on the topic, I don’t think vulnerability has to amount to complaining about weaknesses or insecurities to others (not that you were declaring that as the official definition). But I believe it is more along the lines of letting down walls and allowing yourself to be seen deeply, all the good, bad, ugly and beautiful. And it isn’t only a sharing or hiding of emotion – but also thoughts, ideas, impressions and insight. But I completely agree with your comment of just simply being vulnerable – or living a life full of enough faith that even if we are let down or rejected by loved ones, events, circumstances, or even ourselves, we will never be let down or rejected by Christ. Which ultimately, will be enough.
Think about it - When making new friends and meeting new people, who are you most drawn to? Those who seem to be putting on a show, apparently flawless and lead an impeccably perfect life? Or those who are truly authentic – people who are comfortable enough with themselves to let their guard down and show you their sincere side. Maybe I’m just speaking for myself, but I love people who have turned vulnerability into an attractive trait. It’s the opposite of PRIDE – it’s humility at its core. Em, Sar and Nan, all three of you are this type of person! You each possess this humility and sincerity which attracts others, and I love you for it.
I, on the other hand, have had to work at allowing myself to be vulnerable and sincere. But I like to think that some good has come from these 30 years that I have amassed – that in my old age I have learned some lessons, though most of them the hard way. I know that as a 30 year old, I am much kinder and less demanding of myself than I was at 20, or even 25 – but I still have a ways to go. I am still not as consistent as I would like to be. I also have allowed some walls to come down, and I am willing to be more seen than ever before (although I still feel that I am a pretty private person). The question is – In what ways do I still prevent connection with others? In what ways do I still attempt to numb hard emotions, preventing myself from also feeling the good? Can I be patient with some discomfort and pain in order to live a more whole and complete life? I hope the answer is yes.
Well the rambling must stop somewhere – I am not sure I said anything of substance, but I at least feel like I have benefitted from sorting through such an interesting topic. Thanks for sharing Em!
Thank you Lizzy, you articulated and focused it so well for me. And I am NOT like that in general, I may let my guard down with my sisters but I feel totally fake in most situations. I feel like Sarah is really good at making people feel comfortable because she gives the air of being comfortable with herself. But I don't want to compare us to each other because we all are so different.
ReplyDeleteIt's so interesting to me that I saw vulnerability mostly in light of our emotions because that's where most of my walls are built. And sometimes the walls are so thick I'm even afraid to see behind them. Yet, in reality, it's something completely normal easy to deal with. Breaking down the wall is scarier to me than what's behind it... does that make sense? The walls elicit more fear than the emotions inside merit.
I like the idea of all around vulnerability, it seems less scary that way somehow. Like I can start with being more vulnerable with thoughts and ideas and slowly get around to the emotions.
I don't know if that made any sense, but I love you ladies. Thank you for entertaining one of my crazy mind journeys :) Love you!
I like your observation of having more fear of the wall breaking down than revealing the substance of what lies behind it. Our walls can give us a false sense of security, but at the same time cut-off deep human and spiritual connection - which both not only offer real security but also true joy and fulfillment. But like you Em, I tend to like my walls too much.
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