... I'm sitting in front of my computer, staring at the screen, amazed that I have a half hour to let my girls know how I'm doing... I have been waiting to post for a week now, and now I can't even remember what I was going to write about! So I am going to write about something else. This week has been a crazy hard week. Maya came down with a cough and now Rosie has it as well. Cesar has been working and shadowing this week, so he hasn't been around as much to help. Plus, this week was the first week that it REALLY hit me... I HAVE TWO KIDS...
I was holding Maya, just staring at her, while Rosie was taking her nap. She's four weeks old and has already changed and grown up. As I was admiring her, I couldn't believe how fast the last month went by! I felt like I missed my little baby and her first month of life! I was there for her feedings, for her baths, and to change her diaper, but I feel like I wasn't able to cuddle and try to connect with her the way I was able to with Rosie. Just then, Rosie wakes up from her nap and is needing me once again. At this point, WHAT DO I DO??? Do I let Rosie cry for awhile in her bed while I hold Maya a little longer, or do I put Maya down ONCE AGAIN in order to help Rosie with something? Who really needs me more? Do I just respond to whoever screams the loudest? Or do I just miss Maya growing up in order to keep Rosie peaceful? How do I assess the situation in order to help who really needs me more? I will say that I really, really wish Rosie were talking so I wasn't always guessing at what she needs. That would probably make things easier!
My other struggle this week has been with personal time. I currently don't feel like I even have enough time to see my kids grow up, let alone having fifteen minutes to shower in peace! I feel like I probably should take time for myself, even if it's just fifteen minutes to shower, but I feel like some days I just can't justify that time for myself, which is why I sometimes go three days without showering! This sounds ridiculous as I type it and re-read it, but there are honestly some days where I don't have time to shower until ten 0'clock at night and by that point I just don't have the energy to do it.
I realize that this is just a stage, because once Maya gets on a schedule and is sleeping through the night I am sure I will find more time for myself. But how do I just enjoy this time I have with her while I am sleep deprived and greasy? Because I will NEVER get it back. I find myself wishing for the day when Maya will sleep eleven to twelve hours at night, but as I look at Rosie and how grown up she is, I realize I will never get this newborn stage back with Maya! I am trying to find the joy and happiness amidst the frustration and craziness, and I am having a hard time with it... I just need my sisters to tell me what to do! I am currently out of ideas and consistently drawing a blank in my pooped out brain.
Oh my dear Sarah... There's not a good answer to your question. The only thing I can think to say is that the fact you are even realizing this and thinking about this means you ARE aware of Maya and appreciating this time. You may have much less time to do the appreciating, but you can drink a lot of meaning in one deep breath taking in the scent of her sweet little neck. You say, "I'm just doing the feedings and changing her bum" but those ARE your times to bond. You can hold a baby all day and not be fully aware of her incredible and unique spirit. Or you can snuggle for 5 minutes and just soak in all the awe and wonder that is your baby.
ReplyDeleteThe other answer to your question is YES, sometimes you let one of your kids wait... even if they're crying. And often you can't know who needs you "more" so you just switch off who gets priority. Sometimes You will be super attentive to Rosie and helping her communicate and other times you will let Rosie chill for a few minutes in her crib so you can get your cuddle time in.
THAT'S OKAY!!! All kids need to learn they are not the center of your universe. So sometimes making them wait is for their own benefit. The sooner they learn they have to share Mommy the happier they will be. My boys have recently discovered they don't like sharing their Mommy and it just tears at your heart! I just have to get creative with how I show love. It can be singing a song from across the room, making silly sound effects, doing a dance to entertain while I make bottles... maybe you sit with Rosie while you talk to Maya. You will figure out your own pattern and routine, don't worry. Your girls will know you love them. Just take a million pics/videos to capture the moments and drink in both your girls every time they are close to you. Memorize them for just a minute or two every day and you are doing all you can do. I love you and I'm so proud of what an incredible mom you are!!
Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you. I think I just need people to reassure me that what I'm thinking/feeling is valid and that it's normal! I DO think I need to get creative in how I can spend time with both, and as soon as Rosie learns she needs to share me the better! Rosie DOES need to know she's not the center of the universe, and I'm sure it will be a continual road on that lesson. It's one I am still trying to learn some days! Rosie just gets impatient really quickly, so I have to watch her closely when she's near Maya or else Maya will get a flinging arm in the eye. :) Being a mom is the best and hardest thing I have ever done. Thank you so much for the reassurance, Emily!
ReplyDelete(This is actually Emily - haha) I want to retract one thing I said. I have been thinking about it and my boys ARE the center of my universe and I want them to know that. The think they need to learn is that there's plenty of room for siblings and the center of Mom's universe. And really, siblings are the best gift you can give your child. Just remember that when you can't get to Rosie right away. Tell her, "I know, It's so hard to share Mommy sometimes! Good thing sister is worth it!" :)
ReplyDeleteYou are incredible Sar. Keep it up!
Such a good point! I'm going to try to adapt that perspective! A mom's "center of universe" is big enough for the whole family!
ReplyDeleteOh I'm so glad you guys have already gone through this! Your experiences will help me so much!!
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