New Fashion Statement

So I should have taken a picture but you'll just have to trust me. I was at Walmart yesterday when I first noticed it. I saw something white and crusty in the boob area of my shirt. "Darn!" I thought, "I've only had this shirt on for an hour and it's already a mess..."

I got home and promptly forgot about my shirt as the whirlwind of dinner, jammies, and bedtime consumed my evening. After making dinner and cleaning it up and folding two loads of laundry I staggered upstairs, tired as usual. I went in to brush my teeth and my reflection in the mirror confused me at first, and then made me laugh out loud.

The white crusties on my shirt formed perfect little handprint right over my boob! The boys had cottage cheese for the first time yesterday and I must have picked one of them up before wiping them off - Hahaha! I walked all around Walmart looking a little scandalous ;)

At least I had a good laugh over it, and hopefully you do too.

Eye--Eye Matey!!

So as you all know it has been quite a month for Livvy and her beautiful eyes. We first tried some "therapeutic" glasses. Adorable,yes. But she looks much too old for her Mommy's liking.
After another second opinion from a supposedly more qualified doc, the glasses are now deemed unnecessary and we have moved on to the patch. After a week and many photo-ops, this is the one and only pic of her smiling while wearing her patch (btw Sar, she loves her tutu):
She really isn't much of a fan, as you can imagine, but today she finally wore it without any crying or whining. I just wanted to share some visuals since she doesn't get to see her aunties as often as she would like.

We're doing our best to take care of these beautiful baby-blues!

Naturally Divine

So I'm plugging along in Personal Progress and this week's value is Divine Nature. What a cool topic. Tonight I came across this inspiring talk by Sheri Dew, "Are We Not All Mothers?" from Oct 2001 Conference -- I recommend it. The following is an excerpt:

As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord’s secret weapon.

Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the premortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn’t stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom.

The world won’t tell you that, but the Spirit will.

She discusses the doctrine of Motherhood, and how we all (females) were endowed with the privilege of motherhood before we were born, and before we ever bear children of our own.

Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

So even though we are all currently mothers of small children, what is it about our essence and character that encompasses the endowment of motherhood?

She mentions some of the characteristics: heroic faith, a keen sensitivity to the Spirit, an abhorrence of evil, and complete selflessness. I would include compassion. What do you guys think?

Just food for thought.

Happiness Amidst the Craziness

... I'm sitting in front of my computer, staring at the screen, amazed that I have a half hour to let my girls know how I'm doing... I have been waiting to post for a week now, and now I can't even remember what I was going to write about! So I am going to write about something else. This week has been a crazy hard week. Maya came down with a cough and now Rosie has it as well. Cesar has been working and shadowing this week, so he hasn't been around as much to help. Plus, this week was the first week that it REALLY hit me... I HAVE TWO KIDS...

I was holding Maya, just staring at her, while Rosie was taking her nap. She's four weeks old and has already changed and grown up. As I was admiring her, I couldn't believe how fast the last month went by! I felt like I missed my little baby and her first month of life! I was there for her feedings, for her baths, and to change her diaper, but I feel like I wasn't able to cuddle and try to connect with her the way I was able to with Rosie. Just then, Rosie wakes up from her nap and is needing me once again. At this point, WHAT DO I DO??? Do I let Rosie cry for awhile in her bed while I hold Maya a little longer, or do I put Maya down ONCE AGAIN in order to help Rosie with something? Who really needs me more? Do I just respond to whoever screams the loudest? Or do I just miss Maya growing up in order to keep Rosie peaceful? How do I assess the situation in order to help who really needs me more? I will say that I really, really wish Rosie were talking so I wasn't always guessing at what she needs. That would probably make things easier!

My other struggle this week has been with personal time. I currently don't feel like I even have enough time to see my kids grow up, let alone having fifteen minutes to shower in peace! I feel like I probably should take time for myself, even if it's just fifteen minutes to shower, but I feel like some days I just can't justify that time for myself, which is why I sometimes go three days without showering! This sounds ridiculous as I type it and re-read it, but there are honestly some days where I don't have time to shower until ten 0'clock at night and by that point I just don't have the energy to do it.

I realize that this is just a stage, because once Maya gets on a schedule and is sleeping through the night I am sure I will find more time for myself. But how do I just enjoy this time I have with her while I am sleep deprived and greasy? Because I will NEVER get it back. I find myself wishing for the day when Maya will sleep eleven to twelve hours at night, but as I look at Rosie and how grown up she is, I realize I will never get this newborn stage back with Maya! I am trying to find the joy and happiness amidst the frustration and craziness, and I am having a hard time with it... I just need my sisters to tell me what to do! I am currently out of ideas and consistently drawing a blank in my pooped out brain.

...Order...Order in the Court!

I'm so glad Heavenly Father isn't done teaching me. That sounds a bit ridiculous, I know. But recently it seems I have been receiving lesson, after lesson, after lesson! As I sit down to blog a bit about these lessons, it seems like an impossible feat--but here goes.

When Olivia was born, I had about 3 weeks to simply enjoy being her mother before I was thrown back into the hustle and bustle of law school. She came right along with me, endured the crazy ride, and we somehow managed to graduate. Thankfully I had sisters willing to open their homes, watch my little one for a few hours and send home a warm dinner. I couldn't have managed without you guys. After graduation we enjoyed a couple months of family time and vacations, but then prepared for uprooting to Laramie. Between moving, helping Will get ready for law school and applying for various part-time jobs for myself, the pace of life continued just as franticly as ever. Once I started working 20+ hours a week, I began studying for the MPRE (a multi-state ethics exam) in November. We juggled baby time, and did the best we could. I then went through the arduous and expensive application process for the Bar Exam, (including a whirlwind trip to UT) and started planning out my study time. We had prayed and felt good about taking the UT bar in February, but looking back I wonder if I was simply left to my agency so that further down the road I would be primed for receiving a valuable life-lesson. As the year was drawing a close, I had a constant pit in my stomach, wondering how I would be able to accomplish all that I felt I needed to do.Will was also struggling a bit to get in the time he needed to for school, but because he sensed my stress he didn't complain. On top of all that, we learned Olivia was likely going to need eye surgery, patching and possible therapy in the upcoming months. And now describing our situation it is no wonder that something had to give. Let's just say I'm a slow learner.

It all came crashing down December 15th when I learned that I did not pass the ethics exam for the state of UT. FAIL? That has never happened to me. Barely passing - I can handle that - but fail? My "master plan" was crumbling. I would have to retake the test within a week of taking the bar exam, which meant doubling up on the study time. And where was I going to find any extra time? I had thought my preparation was sufficient for the MPRE, and I was squeezing study in to every extra moment I had. And for the bar I was already going to have to severely increase my study time - hopefully to 20 hours/week for 2 months, which is still half of what most bar candidates do. And in order to find those extra 20 hours/week, I was going to have to find full-time day care for Livvy. My heart aches to admit that I was considering such a schedule. But in my mind I could justify two months of chaos for the potential to earn more and work less - or even from home, so I could spend more time with Olivia (and any future siblings) in the long run while Will finished school. But now the biggest fear had surfaced - WHAT IF I MADE ALL THIS ADDITIONAL SACRIFICE AND STILL ENDED UP FAILING THE BAR?

I came home that day and just cried. Olivia watched and gave me a hug and I just held her while I slowly let it all out. Will came home that evening and while he was shocked to hear the news, he was supportive and open to a course change if that is what I decided to do. To withdraw my application meant a forfeit of $500, not an easy pill to swallow when your struggling to make ends meet. He gave me a blessing that evening that just spoke to my soul - it addressed all my concerns, doubts and fears. I was reassured that Heavenly Father was proud of the decisions I had made up to this point in my life, and I was reminded that I had felt guided to attend law school and that I had been given the opportunity and capacity to finish. While taking the bar is a good thing, I was counseled to consider it in the context of the best things of life. I have stretched myself over these past few months, and we have seen miracles. But Olivia is now at a stage where she is very eager to learn, and is likely to require some special attention these next few months. As the blessing finished, I knew without a doubt what the best things in my life were - Will, Olivia, and the future Spirits to come. I felt prompted to read Mosiah 4:27, which has become my motto for this year:

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order;

for it is not requisite that a woman should run faster than she has strength.

And again, it is expedient that she should be diligent,

that thereby she might win the prize;

therefore, all things must be done in order.

As I read this verse, the word "order" took on a whole new meaning. Before I thought of it as "tidiness", "organization" or "cleanliness", or that things are done step by step, in a proper chronological order. And while all these may be true, I was missing a most important interpretation - All things must be done in order of priority. In other words, we must sort through all the potential good out there, and make sure we are focusing on the BEST.

President Uchtdorf's last conference address couldn't have been more timely. And while I wish I could include all parts of his talk that touched me, the general message is as follows:

When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace or even accelerate,

thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be...

Brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes,

and truly see the things that matter most...

If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing,

then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most...

Let us simplify our lives a little. Let us make the changes necessary to refocus our lives on the sublime beauty of the simple, humble path of Christian discipleship—

the path that leads always toward a life of meaning, gladness, and peace.

And that about sums it all up for me. A simple solution to my seemingly complex situation. So I decided to "de-complicate" my life - starting with a withdrawal of my bar application. Once that decision was made, a huge burden lifted from off my shoulders. That pit in my stomach was gone, and was replaced with peace and reassurance.

A couple weeks later I was able to visit the temple. During the session the word "order" kept popping into my mind - and I was given the distinct impression that it was up to me to establish a house of order. No, that does not mean I needed to run home and clean :) - it means that if I do not see to our top priorities being met in our home, then the things that matter most will fall through the cracks and become neglected. It means that I need not worry when good things fall by the wayside while I focus on establishing a house founded on the essentials of the gospel. It means I need to assume a more facilitative and supportive role in our family, by temporarily setting aside some personal accomplishments for the overall achievements of our family.

Lesson learned.

Well, while you all have seemed to grasp these principles much more adeptly than I, I still wanted to share my recent journey through this crazy thing called womanhood.

Next lesson? How do I cope with having to drop Olivia off at day care for two afternoons a week? Tuesday was her first day - she did great but I'm a wreck! Today she did okay, but only slept for 1/2 an hour. BOO!